Love Myth #1: Love Needs Don’t Change
The five love languages have been around for quite a while now. Many people took the quiz when it first became popular and numerous couples have read the book and taken the quiz during premarital counseling. Since Gary Chapman first put out the book, he has also created all kinds of variations including five love languages of children, teenagers, singles, men, and even a military edition. This growing and helpful resource, however, is often forgotten about or misunderstood. So, I want to share the resources for those who have never heard it before, remind some that may have forgotten, and negate a popular myth for the 5 love languages.
Never Heard of Them or Need a Refresher?
If you have never heard of the five languages, they are five main ways that we can show others that we love them and want to feel loved in return. These five categories include words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. Everyone has one or two main ways that they tend to receive love the most from. Because it is the way that they tend towards accepting love, it is also the way they tend to give love. So, by understanding your own love language(s), in addition to your partner’s love language(s), you are able to advocate for the kind of love that you need while also giving the type of love that the other needs. For more information on the categories and how they work, you can check out the 5 love languages’ website or follow along this week to see the posts on specific love languages.
Love Myth #1: Our Needs Don’t Change
If you have taken the five love languages, quiz, or read the book, it is often believed that whatever you score on the love languages quiz is as true to you as your personality, meaning that it won’t change. This is what I thought as well when I first began my journey in utilizing the love languages, however, after working with couples through counseling, as well as utilizing the love languages in my own personal relationships, I have found that our needs when it comes to feeling loved do change!
A really common example of this is when life circumstances change. If you take two people that were living independently prior to marriage, they may not need as much acts service from one another when they become married because they are used to doing their own things for themselves. If the other person helps out with doing the dishes or something else, it is seen as a plus, but no resentment will be built up if they don’t. Let’s say they also have less commitments and, therefore, can spend most of their time together when they want to.
Now, let’s say that the hypothetical couple now has a baby. The wife takes over most of the caregiving tasks and spends the majority of her time caring for the new child when they are together at the house. At the same time, the husband is still maintaining his side of the normal rules and responsibilities while helping out some with the childcare aspects, but is feeling like a third-wheel now. In this phase of life, the wife may feel more loved when her husband steps in and helps out more with acts of service. Meanwhile, the husband would likely feel more loved if his wife makes purposeful time to provide him with quality time. While neither of them needed these types of love as much prior to having a baby, it can become their primary love language need after this phase of life change.
That hypothetical situation is a very common one that I think many people will be able to relate to. However, there are a lot of other reasons why love languages may change. Some people have changes as phases of life change, events change their perspectives, and I have even seen people just get so used to a certain love language being given that it changes their preferences. For another example, I came into my relationship with a lot of relational trauma and I felt the most loved and secure in my relationship when my husband provided me with words of affirmation. However, after going to therapy to work through my emotional hurts, I no longer needed as many words of affirmation and found that another love language became primary (quality time) until I had kids (I now LOVE acts of service).
What To Do
For this reason, I encourage my clients to take the love languages quiz once a year. Many people do this just in the romantic relationship setting, but I also encourage families to do it utilizing the child and teenager quizzes available online. Regularly taking these quizzes can show you if anything has changed. It is great for kids because they are constantly changing and sometimes their needs can to. However, I find that it is especially important for couples, because we can become so ingrained in doing things the same way all of the time that we forget to be introspective about the state of our relationship. If we are not intentional about our relationship, we can easily move into the roommate phase, and I’ve never met anyone that prefers that over feeling connected to their partner.
So, if it has been a while, or you’ve never taken the quiz, I strongly recommend that you take it now and encourage those that you love in life to take it as well and share results. You can take the quiz by clicking here to view all available quizzes on their website or, for romantic relationships, they have developed an app called Love Nudge that you can use to take the quiz, share it with your partner, and also send yourself or your partner reminders to help fill your “love tanks” in the way each of you need it. I strongly recommend this app for anyone that is trying to be more intentional about giving their partner, the love language, they desire.