If you have been following along this month, you have seen a couple of love myths that just simply are not true. One of these was surrounding whether or not love is a feeling. I want to touch on this for a moment, because as we are going through this love myth, I want to highlight that marriage is not based on love as a feeling, nor is it based on love as an action. 

Wait, not actions either?!? This is because both of these will fail during the course of a marriage. As mentioned in the previous myth, the hormonal feeling of love (that is just a feeling) will ebb and flow over the course of a relationship, and the large surge that many of us base the feeling of falling in love on, will eventually fade altogether. Additionally, we must also be honest and admit that sometimes we don’t make the right purposeful choices. So, if marriage is purely based on either having feelings of love, or whether or not our spouse is continuously treating us the way that we would like to be treated, then all marriages would significantly struggle. 

Marriage is a Commitment

Instead of focusing on these aspects, let’s focus on one thing most people and cultures agree on: Marriage is a commitment. If you listen to the standard vows or most vows, whether they were written by the couple or not, there tends to be a line in there about staying together no matter what. In some versions it is until death to us part, while others will promise to love their significant other forever. Because marriage is meant to be this long, lasting commitment, it would make sense if our criteria for this commitment was more thorough than to be strictly based off of a feeling that you get early on in a relationship or the actions that someone else provides. While both of these things are helpful in making a marriage more enjoyable, marriage must be something more: it must be a commitment. 

Why Commitment is Important

When the feelings fade, arguments/fights become significantly more likely. During this phase, we can become more hurtful towards one another. This can lead to resentment and, ultimately, a lack of desire to put our spouses best interest before our own. I have never met a couple that has been together past the honeymoon phase that has not experienced a moment where they themselves did not put their partner first and their partner did not put them first in a situation. Ultimately, we are humans. We expect our partner to be perfect, then maybe we need to take a hard look in the mirror and evaluate whether or not we are perfect. You probably are not, no offense.

As humans that are imperfect, we are going to go through seasons of life where we struggle with different things. Sometimes these things are more superficial and common, such as stress, but can make us act out in ways that we normally would not. Other times we may be faced with more complex issues such as addiction. When these things happen, it can seem appealing to throw in the towel. During these times, you likely are not feeling a whole lot of the positive feelings, and at least one of you is likely to be frequently choosing themselves over their spouse. However, if you do throw in the towel and get divorced, where did the commitment go? Again, this points to marriage being a commitment rather than being based on the aspects of love.

What if You’re Unhappy?

So does this mean that I have to be unhappily married? No, it absolutely does not! Both you and your spouse will go through periods where it is hard to make the purposeful choice to love your spouse. However, if we choose to live in resentment and retaliate by not providing purposeful love, when we do not feel that we are getting purposeful love, we will be doomed to fail. Instead, regardless of how your spouse is regarding you, you can choose to make your commitment actionable by purposefully loving them in the way you want to be loved. There have been many research studies done on this that have shown that if we continue to pour love into others, regardless of how they treat us, there is a higher likelihood that they will start to give that love back in return. If you are stuck in a situation like this, check out the movie Fireproof. I’ll admit it is a little corny at times but the principal behind it is founded by many research studies and I have seen it work out many times in my work with couples.

Also, if you are not happy in your relationship, you can seek help. Obviously, I am a little biased towards seeking professional help, but you can also lean on other couples in your community for guidance and support through difficult times. There are also a multitude of support resources at your fingertips such as books, research articles, Podcasts, YouTube videos, etc. If you are unhappy, and choose to do nothing, that is in fact, a choice.

What about in the case of abuse? Well, no one deserves to live in an abusive situation. If you believe that you are in an abusive situation, regardless of the type of abuse, I again strongly recommend that you reach out to find social support. Most people that can easily evacuate from an abusive situation have already done so. So, if you are still in an abusive situation, and do not know how to get out, you likely would greatly benefit from some help. All of the resources listed above are ways to seek support but above all, I recommend finding social supports. This may be in the form of starting to see a professional counselor, reaching out to a family member or friend that you feel comfortable sharing the situation with, or a member of a support community, specifically designed to aid victims of abuse. Regardless of the source of the social support, I have found that social support is significantly better at helping victims to actually get out of abusive situations by speaking into how unhealthy they are and providing resources that may be risky or dangerous for the victim to seek out themselves by themselves.

So, to sum up, love is not enough to keep a marriage afloat. Only commitment is able to do that. If you made vows to someone to love them, you likely did not say I will love you only if I feel you are loving me correctly. So, hold up your end of the bargain when it comes to commitment by loving your spouse, regardless of how you feel they are doing when it comes to loving you. If you do, you are likely to have a more healthy relationship. Regardless, every couple sometimes needs a little help. There is no harm or shame in reaching out for social support or resources to help improve your relationship.

If you are in a stage where you would like some help navigating your relationship or how to love your spouse, even when it’s hard, we’d love to help! Reach out by calling us at (704) 815-6440 or check out our contact page.