But First…

I know, simply reading the name of this myth  will instantly cause some people to become frustrated. So, I want to start off by specifying exactly what I mean by having a soulmate being a myth. Ultimately, what I am saying is that there is no magical individual that exists in the earth that you need to frantically search for in order to be in the “correct” relationship. That being said, I love my husband very much, and I do deem him as my soulmate. However, if me and him had never met, or our circumstances had been radically different, then, whoever else I may have married, would also feel like a soulmate to me.

Where Does it Come From?

Largely, the myth comes from a lot of our cultural media sources. We read books, watch movies/TV shows, and listen to music that depict the phenomena of having one person in the whole world that we are meant to be with. Whenever we have this assumption, it can create a lot of different incorrect thoughts. For example, if there is one specific person that we are meant to be with, how much pressure does that add? For me, that would put a lot of pressure on choosing carefully, because even a really good candidate may not be the right candidate. Also, this creates issues in marriages whenever infatuation ends, and the couple assumes that they must have just married the wrong person (if you are in a situation like this, check out our other blog posts this month). 

On the flip side, I will also be honest and say that when I was first introduced to this concept, I was a little disappointed. I had this romantic idea in my head that I would one day meet the right person, and there would be these magical feelings that radically changed my life and me and my soulmate would live happily ever after. This too was wrong, thinking. Just because there is not a magical unicorn that exist in the world just for us, we can still have all of the positive feelings and a great relationship with the person we do end up with. 

What to Think of Instead

So, if we take away the pressure of having to find “the right person” and work through the disappointment about the magical things we thought may occur, what are we left with? Well, at that point, we must realize that we must be looking for something else aside from this magical person. So what is that? 

To answer this question, I would suggest that, instead, we should be looking for someone that ultimately is going to work with us to accomplish our goals and desires for this life. This person would not necessarily need to have the exact same goals and desires, but theirs would need to line up with yours, and their values would also need to align with yours. 

Again, this is not a very romantic concept, and when I first interacted with some materials that suggested this, I was (again) disappointed. I was disappointed because there was not one single word in any of these messages about how we need to be looking for someone that we feel the hormonal feelings of love with. That was what I had always thought up until that point should be a big contributor in picking out who we are supposed to marry. However, while that was some thing I was able to enjoy with my husband (and continue to enjoy), I am also so glad that I made sure the other criteria came before all of those emotional feelings.

How Does This Work?

So what exactly does this mean? Well, I first want to touch on the most simple aspect of this concept, which is needing to have similar values as your spouse. This is important, not only to prevent silly arguments in the future, but also because it does affect how you make a decision as a couple. For example, the easiest place to see this is whenever children enter the scene. If you have radically different beliefs on how children should be taught or treated once you have them, there will be a significant amount of problems and arguments that will come with trying to answer these questions. You do not necessarily need to have identical beliefs, but they need to be similar enough that you can come to negotiations rather than always having to pick one person‘s way versus another’s. 

When it comes to having someone that aligns with your missions and goals in life, this one gets a little bit more complicated. As I mentioned earlier, it is not about trying to find someone that wants to do exactly the same thing as you want to do in life. For example, if someone has some specific career aspirations, but the other is more focused on wanting to have family life, this is something that could ultimately work together. Most people that have career aspirations do not necessarily want to spend all of their time at work, and can be sure to protect the work-life balance in order to help the other to have the family dynamic that they desire.

However, if one person wants to spend their life traveling the world, and the other has always dreamt of staying in their hometown and making a difference in their community, this would be an obvious difference of mission that would not be easy to work through.When it comes to having someone that aligns with your missions and goals in life, this one gets a little bit more complicated. As I mentioned earlier, it is not about trying to find someone that wants to do exactly the same thing as you want to do in life. For example, if someone has some specific career aspirations, but the other is more focused on wanting to have family life, this is something that could ultimately work together. Most people that have career aspirations do not necessarily want to spend all of their time at work, and can be sure to protect the work-life balance in order to help the other to have the family dynamic that they desire. However, if one person wants to spend their life traveling the world, and the other has always dreamt of staying in their hometown and making a difference in their community, this would be an obvious difference of mission that would not be easy to work through.

Another example of misaligned missions or goals would be a radical difference in the desire for having children or the number of children. When me and my husband first got married, I always had said I wanted three or four kids, and he had always been set on having two. However, he was willing to negotiate, and so was I. I’ve also done prenatal counseling with couples where one person did not want to have any children while the other wanted to have six. Obviously, this was not going to work out for them. 

Do Hormones/Feelings Matter?

With all that being said, following this criteria should not radically change the size of your dating pool. It also does not mean that you have to settle for someone that you don’t find physically attractive or don’t feel connected to, because that can also cause issues in a relationship. However, the physical attraction and the hormonal feelings of connection should not dictate whether or not you pick someone to stay with. If someone has radically different beliefs than you, or seems to have a different set of missions and goals for the future, then you are probably better off, choosing to go in different directions for the time being rather than trying to force two puzzle pieces together, that will simply end up, hurting each other in the end.

What if I Am Already Committed?

Now, what happens if I am already in a relationship or marriage where we have radically, different beliefs or goals? If this is you, you’ve probably experienced some of the hurt that I mentioned in this post. You also know the struggles and probably want to avoid additional struggles in the future. I want to be clear that in this post I am not encouraging anyone to separate or get a divorce due to having misaligned values or goals. Instead, I am encouraging that this is instead seen as a filter by which we pick and choose who we enter into long-term commitments with.

Once you’ve made a commitment, it is best to try to work through things rather than just to give up. To put this into perspective, there are some times where we start off in a relationship with similar goals and values, but as time goes on, people do inevitably change, and sometimes goals and values can as well. Sometimes these changes are permanent and other times they are temporary. However, if we gave up on relationships anytime that values or goals change, we would end up possibly being in a constant cycle of having to change partners.

So, if you are in a situation like this, first try to work on negotiating. There may need to be some relationship mending through purposely loving on each other prior to both parties being willing to negotiate, but once you get to a point where you are willing to hear each other out and better understand why both desire what they desire, it will help to set up the relationship to have a better chance of success in making important decisions. One thing I encourage couples to remember is that if something is not terribly important to you, it is best to defer to the person that it does matter more to. The mindset behind this is that the other person will know that you have negotiated in times where you did not care as much, and will do the same for you whenever they are in a situation where they do not care as much. Another thing I will, of course, recommend is to seek professional help. Speaking with a couples counselor, a paid mediator, or a pastor are great ways to help a couple to work on negotiating in a fair manner.

If you are feeling discouraged, need some help in getting your mindset correct in your dating experiences, or you are in a situation where you do need help navigating how to negotiate with someone that has different values or goals than you, then we would love to help! Reach out to us by either checking out our contact page or calling us at 704-815-6440.