Love Myth #6: Sex is Meaningless
Today I’m going to tackle a myth that is likely going to ruffle some feathers, so I will keep it shorter for today. As you can tell, by the title, the myth of the day we will be combating is: sex is meaningless. In our society, we live in a culture that idealizes sexual encounters, but also makes them frivolous at the same time. I’ve heard many argue that sex can just be sex, but our brain was not designed to treat sex as such. However, you can force your brain to adapt to seeing it as meaningless, but then you will also consequently lose the emotional pleasure we are meant to gain from sexual experiences.
Oxytocin Makes it Meaningful
We have seen in many studies how sexual intercourse actually causes several different hormones to release inside of the brain. Some of these hormones are specific towards helping to gain pleasure from the act of sex, but there is one hormone that stands apart from the rest. This hormone is oxytocin. Oxytocin is a chemical that is released in very few situations compared to the other chemicals that are released during sex. Some people call oxytocin the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone”, but essentially, oxytocin is a chemical that supports feelings of trust, generosity, empathy, and openness. These emotions help with forming bonds or connections with others. It has been studied frequently in the role of romantic relationships, as well as the parent-child relationship as childbearing and breast-feeding are also some of the few ways that oxytocin is released by the brain.
So, whenever we engage in sexual intercourse with another person, our brain creates a chemical bond to that individual utilizing oxytocin. Regardless of the context of sexual intercourse (whether it is a fling or a long-term relationship) the brain will still try to make this oxytocin connection.
Breaking an Oxytocin Bond Hurts
The point of this bond is to create a deeper level of connection, and whenever that deeper level of connection is broken, we inevitably experience pain. I believe this is one reason why in America, the first break up is coined as being the hardest. In cases where my clients have found this to be true, it typically is their first break up with the first person they qualify as being in love with. I’ve also found that this tends to correlate with being the first individual they ever had sex with.
So, in short, ending a connection with someone you have had sex with hurts.
Brains Will Adapt
Our brains are very amazing, and try to do their best to prevent us from having pain, even emotionally. In people that enter into and break from sexual relationships repeatedly, we have started to notice that the chemical bond that they form with another is significantly weaker than in those that are in monogamous relationships. They simply do not have the same emotional connection that others do, therefore meaning the oxytocin bond is not as strong. That means that treating sex as casual will inevitably take away from the connection that it brings to another, and will start to make it more meaningless, as the culture suggests. While this produces the pain of ending sexual relationships, it also takes away from the positive aspects that sexual relationships could bring.
In short, engaging in sex casually or changing partners regularly will cause the brain to adapt by reducing the oxytocin bond created during a sexual encounter. This reduces pain, but also reduces pleasure.
The Adaption is Not Good
I am sure some people reading this article would think that actually sounds like a good thing. This means that they can have sex with whoever they want, whenever they want without having to experience all of the emotional baggage. At this point, you are correct. However, what happens whenever you actually do want to engage in a meaningful long-term relationship with someone?
Unfortunately, I have had many clients who engaged in regular sexual intercourse with multiple partners over the course of a certain phase of life and have learned the difficulty this creates in one’s love life. These people often will tell me that they now love the person that they want to settle down with, but they do not feel the same level of connection that they have with others in the past. Most people refer back to their first love, which also tends to be the first one they had sex with, as the ideal level of connection they want with their significant other. So, at this point, what do you think is missing from this relationship that is keeping them from having the deep meaningful connection that they desire? If you guessed an oxytocin bond, then you are correct!
So, reducing the likelihood for your brain to create an oxytocin bond will also create problems, whenever an individual wants to form one in the future.
Prevention & Healing
So what if I do not want to experience this in the future or am currently experiencing this? Well, if you are not already experiencing this difficulty, informing oxytocin bonds, my advice would be to treat your sexuality as a prize possession. Do not hand it out to just anyone, but only to others that you fully trust and believe will be in your life for a substantial amount of time.
We also do not split up our prize possessions. There is no research at all that shows that we can have healthy oxytocin bonds with multiple individuals at the same time. This means that polygamy and other forms of sexual encounters also tend to hurt our ability to form strong oxytocin bonds, rather than improve them.
If you have found yourself to already be in a place where you are struggling with trying to form oxytocin bonds, I would encourage you to turn to focusing on building a healthy, loving relationship with the intentionality of staying together long-term. As you continue to have positive relational encounters with this individual and allow your brain time to see (adapt) that it is safe to trust them, it is possible that your brain will start to form a bond with them overtime. It will take work, and typically a good amount of vulnerability with your partner, but it is worth the effort to be able to have the strong emotional connection to them.