Love Myth #2: Love is a Feeling
Have you ever watched a Hallmark movie? While I would imagine everyone old enough to have some real life experience can see just how unrealistic the story lines actually are (which is why some people can’t stand those movies), many people desire that love-at-first-sight moment where everything just feels perfect that Hallmark is known for. If you are more of a “realist”, you may just want to find someone that gives you those butterflies in your stomach and treats you right. If that is the case, then you got it half right (and it’s not the butterfly half).
Phases of Feeling “In Love”
Experts such as Dr. Helen Fisher have done many studies on the concept of love and how it manifests in the human body. Dr. Fisher suggests that there are 3 phases of falling in love. If you would like, you can click here to see a more detailed article on these phases. For a more abbreviated version, the first is phase coined as lust, which simply means you find the other human to be attractive and the body reacts physically by producing either testosterone (males) or estrogen (females). The second stage is called attraction. In this phase, experts found in brain scans that the brain reacts to “falling in love” similarly to drinking alcohol or consuming certain types of drugs. In this phase, the brain releases dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine. These hormones cause us to feel an addictive rush when interacting with, looking at, or even thinking about the person you are attracted to. The last phase, which we will talk about later in the month, is attachment. This is when the body creates an oxytocin bond in response to sex. For more information in video form, check out this short video by NBC.
Infatuation
These hormones released in the stages of love are also the contributors to what many call the “puppy dog” or “honeymoon” love phase. The actual term for this stage of love is infatuation. It is a time when love is blind and we do everything we can to make the other person feel loved, and therefore, stay with us. However, the honeymoon phase always ends. Every brain and every relationship is different so the length of time can vary but most people experience this phase for 1 to 2 years before it fades.
1 to 2 years gives just enough time for someone to fall in love, get engaged, and even get married sometimes. Once infatuation is over, arguing tends to begin more often, we notice all of the faults we may have previously not noticed, and we tend to get more comfortable in the relationship (so we do not show as much love in as many ways unknowingly). So, once infatuation ends, the Hallmark movie vibe is gone. Now the relationship takes more work and intentionality. In fact, there may be times where things get really hard in the relationship and none of the hormones are producing those positive feelings.
Love is a Purposeful Choice
If we believe that love requires the ooey gooey feelings, then once infatuation ends, we will believe that we are no longer “in love.” This is why I believe we need to define love as a purposeful choice rather than a feeling. Sure, the feelings are great and we can maintain those throughout life by living intentionally to keep the passion alive, but they cannot be our basis of love. In my opinion (yes- my opinion so take it with a grain of salt), our high rates for divorce go hand-in-hand with America’s culture of believing love is a feeling. Instead, if we see love as a purposeful choice, then we will continue to show love in the form of actions to our loved ones regardless of how we feel about them or what they are doing to/for us.
Love is something we need to choose to engage in for every interaction with our loved ones. In our romantic relationships versus family or friend relationships, this can look different but the main principles go back to the “golden rule.” Treat others how you want to be treated. Learning your loved one’s love languages and being intentional about giving them is a great way to start (click here to see the love languages quiz link).
You can also keep in mind the different sources of wisdom you have heard about love. One of the most common quotes of wisdom on love states that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” This source of wisdom to me serves as both a goal and a challenge. I will never be perfect at fulfilling these and no one else will either, but if we try, we will be doing our best to love others as an action - not just a feeling.